I was recently shocked by something unexpected. There were times in my life where events of a greater possible magnitude did not shock me like this moment, but this moment did the trick. This was enough to make me stop eating a meal, and go outside and yell for a second.

And now I am in a similar place where I started and I don’t miss anything and my body just feels numb and surreal, like I’m on a terrible drug that doesn’t exist. It is a bad trip.

“This is it chief,” I say to myself. 

“You can not take it or leave it. You can only take it. You must absorb your experiences into your person, you cannot ball it up or compartmentalize it. Accept this and breathe it in and continue living. Live in a way that nourishes the brain and body, have no regrets, brush your teeth and take your vitamins and enjoy the smell of spring that is a new feeling to you, a new sense. You are now experiencing a new season, even another one. You are feeling a feeling, a wave of unexpected and unwanted emotion that is coming with haste, these flood waters of undesired yearning are coming high, by hell prepare yourself. That dam was prepared a long time ago in so many storms from so many past times, but now the levee broke chief and you can sink and bloat and become a piece of carrion flotsam in a godforsaken swamp, or you stand up, and take it, you are allowed a grimace, but nothing more, and you move on and melt away negligence of the personal being and charge forward to your end which may come soon, or late, but it is not now, so charge on chief, charge on with strength and perseverance and communicate to stressors in a new light because the old light is all burnt up but a new one can be just as bright if you gave it a god damned chance. You have always been a beautiful son of a bitch, don’t fall into a bottle of something clear or brown but always alcoholic, this is the way of the old man, and you aren’t old but you are a man. Put more hair on your chest by battening down the hatches, biting your lip, getting a haircut and a shave, sow your wild oats in other fields, take pride in all of your work, have love and conviction and passion for all you do.

“And there will be another time chief, where things are the same or worse than they are now. And damnit, you will think back to this time and you will think the same thing you are thinking now. You will think that you have done this before why is it so bad now and you’ll have the same discussion you always have and then you’ll wake up and be ok.”

“Get it done motherfucker. You always fucking have.”

I’m ok. Everything’s ok. Everything will be ok.